Every day I wake up and think to myself, "Fuck." That's considering if I slept at all that night. Many nights are sleepless. Just tossing and turning, not being able to shut my brain off. The nights I am able to sleep, I have terrible nightmares and wake up soaked with sweat, barely knowing where I am. Did you know that after about 5 days of no sleep, you start to hallucinate? I didn't. No one warned me about that. That tidbit of information would've been useful so I didn't think I was going TOTALLY insane. People on the outside of my life looking in may think that everything's fine. I have a roof over my head, a good job that I love, family who I love, 2 beautiful boys who I love...what could possibly be wrong? Also, I seem like I'm in a pretty positive mood most of the time, so nothing could be wrong, right? WRONG!!! I don't know why I think the way that I do. To be honest, it scares the shit out of me...and I'm not easily scared. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for what I do have. I am definitely not some ungrateful, spoiled little shit. I do have family, friends, food, shelter, and a career. Which is a lot more than most people have. So why am I so fucked up? Why am I having these terrible thoughts? I DON'T KNOW!!! And that's what scares me the most. Could it be all the twisted crap that I did in my past? Maybe. Could it be due to the fact that I have pretty much blocked out 12 years of my life? (Which multiple psychiatrists have determined is because of a trauma that was so severe that I simply can't handle it, so I repressed those years.) Possibly. Could it be that no matter how hard I try to be healthy, and stay sober (for the most part), I continue to have severe health issues that are totally incurable, and the treatment for them (so far) has been a total waste of time? Could be. Could it be that every month I lose another one of my friends to overdoses, suicide, accidents, etc.? Might be. Honestly, it's probably a combination of all that crap. It can't just be one thing. I know I'm not a weak person. I've been through shit you probably can't even imagine...not even in your worst nightmares. Honestly, I wouldn't want you to be able to imagine the shit I've dealt with. I wouldn't wish any of that on my worst enemy. I don't even really know where this is going. I just needed to write this, just to get some crap off my chest (metaphorically speaking). I know I have issues. Trust issues, issues with anxiety...I have a lot of issues. Most of them I deal with, some I can't handle. The only things keeping me on this earth are my kids. This is not a "cry for help". I don't need or want anyone's sympathy. I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad for me. Just take this thought with you: Simply because a person may seem like nothing is bothering them, like nothing's wrong. That they're happy in life...that may not be the case at all. This is going to sound really cliché, but don't judge a book by it's cover. The cover may be all sunshine and rainbows, but once you actually start reading that book, it may be one of the most terrifying experiences of your life. That's it for now. Usually I have a little funnyish thing to put here, but I'm not in the mood. If you are having any similar thoughts, get help. Seriously. Don't mess around. Tweet me: http://www.twitter.com/nytatt2chick Facebook me: http://www.facebook.com/nytatt2chick Instagram me: http://instagram.com/nytatt2chick YouTube me: http://www.youtube.com/therealnytatt2chick G+ me: https://plus.google.com/+LauraCeruti Email me:
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So a couple days ago I kinda went off and posted a ton of "Annoying Facebook Status" types on my Facebook. If you've already read them, they're not new to you, but if you haven't, I hope you can relate and get a little giggle out of them. That's all I got this time! Please follow my blog if I made you think, or laugh, or eat ramen noodles, or ANYTHING....and feel free to comment if you agree, or disagree, or just want to discuss the possibility that unicorns exist! I'm not here to judge you! But I do have an opinion on a LOT of things, and if you can help me understand yours, in a logical and reasonable fashion....you might just change my mind! But probably not. I love you, and I hope you have a glorious day! Tweet me: http://www.twitter.com/nytatt2chick Facebook me: http://www.facebook.com/nytatt2chick Instagram me: http://instagram.com/nytatt2chick YouTube me: http://www.youtube.com/therealnytatt2chick G+ me: https://plus.google.com/104204766948735523107 Email me: So this year I didn't even bother to watch the VMA's. Or the year before that, or the year before that...it's been a while. Why? BECAUSE MTV DOESN'T RUN MUSIC VIDEOS ANYMORE!!!! How are you going to host a music video award show....WHEN YOU DON'T RUN VIDEOS?!?! You know who SHOULD be hosting it? YouTube. Think about it, where do you go to watch ANY music videos? MTV?! (If you said yes to that, just stop reading this blog right now...you make no sense) NO!!! YouTube is the ONLY place that runs music videos. Of course, because I'm linked in to like EVERY SOCIAL NETWORK IN THE WORLD (pretty much)...I was pummeled by VMA posts all Sunday night and Monday morning. (Thanks for that, by the way) Here's an idea MTV. How about you stop hosting the VMA's, let YouTube take that over, and you guys can start hosting the "I'm Glad You Didn't Fuck Your Life Up Any Worse Than You Already Did" awards show. You can give awards to the girls & guys from "16 and Pregnant" who actually are raising their children (or who managed to NOT get knocked up right after they were on the show) You can give awards to the cast of "The Jersey Shore" who managed not to overdose, or totally fall off the wagon. Just spit balling some ideas. Not everything was terrible. We did get ONE good thing from this whole disaster. We got a new spin on an old joke: "Guess what..." "What?" "Miley butt!" Love you all!! Tweet me: http://www.twitter.com/nytatt2chick Facebook me: http://www.facebook.com/nytatt2chick Instagram me: http://instagram.com/nytatt2chick YouTube me: http://www.youtube.com/therealnytatt2chick G+ me: https://plus.google.com/104204766948735523107 Email me: When I was younger, I used to just go for walks in the middle of the night. Where was I going? Absolutely nowhere. I had no destination in mind. I would just walk. Sometimes I'd end up somewhere, sometimes I'd just get tired of walking, and turn around and head back home. That was kinda how my life was. I had no idea where my life was going...if it was going anywhere at all. I never knew what was going to happen next, what kind of clusterfuck life would throw at me next. No clue. As difficult as not knowing what was going to happen next was, I kinda miss it. Now, whenever I leave my house, I have a destination in mind. I'm going to work. I'm going to the store. I'm going to the post office. It reflects my life. I always know, pretty much, what is going to happen on any given day. I'll go to work. I'll take care of my babies. I'll clean my house. I'll mow my lawn. I'll do some laundry. I never wander anymore. I miss wandering. I miss the excitement that came with not knowing. I miss not knowing if something was going to happen, and I'd wind up shit faced drunk, in the middle of Times Square with a couple of my friends. Or maybe nothing would happen, and I'd just wind up thinking and walking. I miss not knowing who I was going to meet. Where I was going to go. What was going to happen. Was I going to get into a fight? Was I going to get fucked up? Who knew? I didn't. I miss it. Don't get me wrong, I like my life. I adore my children. I don't mind doing laundry, mowing the lawn, cleaning my house. I love my job. I just wish, for a day or so, that I could just wander through life again Just so I could not know what was going to happen for just a little bit again. Sorry this one wasn't funny, or anything like that. I've just been thinking of this recently. Find me on: Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/nytatt2chick YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/therealnytatt2chick Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/nytatt2chick Instagram: http://instagram.com/nytatt2chick Google+: https://plus.google.com/app/basic/104204766948735523107 Or email me: Hellllloooooo!!! Long time, no blog, huh? Missing me yet?
Anywho...I'm scrolling through my newsfeed on Facebook (which I REALLY need to stop doing so much because it usually pisses me off a great deal), and I see this ridiculousness from the morons over at News 12. Here's a link to the actual posting: http://www.facebook.com/News12LI/posts/10151436343658551:0 (You do need a Facebook account to see it, but the above picture is a screenshot of the original post) Link to the SC Sheriff's "Test, Don't Guess" program page.
http://www.suffolkcountyny.gov/sheriff/CommunityPrograms/DrugTestingInitiative.aspx (Note they changed the "Scared Straight" program to the "Y.E.S. Tour") So, here's my opinion on the subject: [DISCLAIMER: THIS IS MY OPINION. IT IS BASED ON MY PERSONAL EXPIERENCES WITH DRUG TESTING, TEEN DRUG USE, AND THE PARENT'S APPROACH (as well intended it may be)] First of all....THEY'RE NOT "FREE"!! It's a waste of tax money. If you think your kid is doing something, and you want to "Test, Not Guess"....PAY FOR IT YOURSELF!! You can buy home drug tests at any pharmacy, and health insurance covers most rehabs/drug testing. Don't make ME pay because you can't trust your kid, or you can't just shine a flashlight in your kids eyes to check for pupil dilation. Second...IT'S NOT GOING TO MAKE ANYTHING DIFFERENT!!! I was drug tested, pretty much every week, from when I was 13-17....and I only tested dirty one time. I SHOULD have tested dirty EVERY time, but there are ways to get around it. So your kid tests dirty. Then what?? You get into a huge fight, they: (A) Stop talking to you about ANYTHING. (B) No longer trust you, and feel like you're "invading their privacy". (C) Let you yell, scream, and threaten them, and do the same crap they were doing in the first place. (D) Decide they're going to "run away" (E) ALL OF THE ABOVE And what are you supposed to do? (A) Put them on PINS probation, so you kid can keep violating, and get sent to a state house, and/or Juvie? (B) Kick their ass so they "learn a lesson", and possibly get reported to CPS? (C) Do nothing, and possibly get reported to CPS anyway, for child neglect? (Only now, they can prove it) (D) Throw your kid in rehab? (E) Put your kid on "lockdown", so they can run away, and you have no idea where they are, if they're alive or dead, who they're with, what they're doing.....? (F) All of the above? If YOU think that YOU'RE kid is doing something then YOU need to take your kid to FAMILY COUNSELING, and try to reestablish a good rapport with your children. The counselor WILL do a drug test if you request it. The most important thing is to take a look at what you're doing. If you're constantly drinking in front of your kids, they will probably drink too. If you're smoking weed all the time, and think your kids don't know...I got news for you...they do, and they will smoke too (probably steal it from you!). If you're at home eating Valium/Xanax all day so you can "deal", they will too! The most important thing of all is to keep the communication lines open between you and your kids. Granted, this gets nearly impossible when they're teenagers, but it can still be done. And a little ass whooping (NOT BEATING!!!) goes a long way. I have been unable to find exactly how much of the taxpayer's money they are wasting on this program, but I have heard up to $2000 for every 100 tests*.
*This may not be accurate. I searched for the budget allotment for this program, but was unable to find it. I wouldn't be surprised though. At home drug tests range from $7.88-$47.78, and can be a simple 5 panel cup piss test, to a hair follicle test.
http://www.walgreens.com/store/c/at-home-drug-test-kit/ID=prod368689-product http://www.walmart.com/c/kp/home-drug-test-kits I'm sure they have MASSIVELY inflated the costs of the "free" drug tests (probably to cover up some of their insanely high saleries, which have FINALLY been brought to the public's attention) The most important thing is to talk to your kids, and raise them correctly. Lead by example! If you're doing a decent job, you should be able to trust them. Still have your doubts, just use a flashlight! If their pupils are little pin pricks, even after you remove the light from their eyes, they're using some kind of depressant (opiates, alcohol, etc...). If their eyes are largely dilated, even while you're shining the light into their eyes, they're using some kind of stimulant (cocaine, meth, etc...). And if you shine the light into their eyes, and they scream something like, "FUUUUUCCCKKK!!! THERE'S A LASER BURNING A HOLE INTO MY FACE!!!!", and start trying to rip their face off....they're probably on some kind of hallucinogenic drug (LSD, PCP, etc.) Love you all!!!!!! xoxoxo |
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